


Shadows

by Surfaced



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 23:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5183795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surfaced/pseuds/Surfaced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>George Kirk's shadow was a heavy shadow to live under.</p><p>Prompt fill for a friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place at some point after the first movie but before Into Darkness. This was a prompt my friend gave me literally years ago, but I was lazy back then. Decided to fill it for her birthday this year, which I am supremely late for. I guess some things don't change lol. I hope you like it!

Years had passed since the last time Jim could remember speaking to his mother. A few would be a massive understatement. In truth, he was painfully aware of the fact that it was around ten at that point, but if anyone actually bothered to ask, well.. they didn’t need to know those details. The only answer they’d get from him would be that he lost count a long time ago. If he pretended like he didn’t care, maybe someday he really wouldn’t. He could barely even remember what she looked like anymore though. Some days he didn't want to remember. Why cause himself anymore unnecessary pain by agonizing over it? Other days it wasn’t as easy to let it go.

The final call with her had been brief. At the time, Jim was unaware that it would be the last one for a long while, possibly for forever at the rate they were going. Winona was off planet as usual, and she was just 'calling to check in'. That was nothing new for her because she was rarely home. Still, he remembered her strange behavior that day - the way she would give short, clipped responses and seemed constantly distracted. Though he had gotten used to the neglect and fighting for her attention, it seemed worse that day. It was like she couldn't wait to get away from him.

In retrospect, Jim realized he probably should've taken the hint long before she cut him off. He had felt her pulling away even further for a while before that, but Frank was an asshole, Sam was long gone by then, and he didn’t have any friends. At the very least, he wanted to think that his mother cared, if no one else did. And maybe she did care, in her own way. Believing that was tough faced with all the evidence to the contrary though. Despite everything he had done in recent years, despite saving the planet, despite making a name for himself.. Jim still hadn't heard a word from her.

There was a moment where he really thought Winona might get in touch. When he was given the Enterprise, Jim thought, ‘maybe today will be the day’. Everyone was so proud of him. He was so proud of himself, for the first time. People – his friends – were smiling and celebrating, and he participated without feeling like a complete fraud. So he thought, ‘maybe she’ll finally see me now’. It was a foolish hope to begin with, so Jim tried to convince himself he wasn’t disappointed when it didn’t happen.

It was no secret that Winona had, had trouble coping with his father’s death. On that point, he couldn’t blame her. But they looked so much alike that she couldn’t look at Jim without thinking of George. Every time she looked at him as a child, it was like she wasn’t really seeing _him_. How could he expect that to change just because he was the captain of the Enterprise? His entire experience at the academy often felt the same way. Everything he did was colored by the fact that he was the son of George Kirk. His was a heavy shadow to live under. When Winona didn’t get in touch, it was clear more than ever that he would never be free of it.

Then one day he received a message from Starfleet indicating that Winona Kirk would be visiting the USS Enterprise.

 

* * *

 

As Jim paced around the room while rambling frantically about his mother visiting, Leonard raised an eyebrow and watched quietly from his seat on the bed. It was obvious from the way he was speaking about her that he was feeling a lot of different emotions at once, so he figured he would let him get most of it out of his system before putting his two cents in. Usually talking about his feelings wasn’t really Jim’s style in difficult situations, especially with anything regarding his family. In fact, it was generally like pulling teeth, and he was being uncharacteristically forthcoming for once. The last thing Leonard wanted to do was discourage that by interrupting him or pointing it out.

“I never thought I would hear from her again, Bones. It has to mean something that they’re sending her, right? She wouldn’t just come here for nothing. They would have sent someone else if she didn’t want to see me. Maybe she just needed a little more time, you know?” he paused, stopping briefly in his pacing to look at Leonard because he hoped he would agree with his theory.

Listening to Jim talk himself into believing that his mother was actually coming to see him was tough. There was nothing worse than knowing the person he cared so much about was getting his hopes up for no reason. Leonard really wanted to believe it would work out for him, but he was extremely skeptical that it was anything besides business. As his boyfriend, as juvenile as that sounded in his head, it was practically his duty to inject the realism Jim desperately needed to hear. If he was prepared to be wrong then maybe it would be a little less heartbreaking for him.

“Jim, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself here. You’ve given her years to process everything,” Leonard began, treading carefully. “She didn’t even call or send so much as a letter to Starfleet after you saved the world. I don’t think anything has changed.”

Leonard could tell right away from the way his expression changed that he didn’t believe him. Jim probably thought he was just being cynical, but he couldn’t quite blame him for that. Not a day went by that he didn’t find something to complain about. Still, it was vitally important that he keep trying to get through to him, even if it was only a little. Jim had been disappointed far too many times in his life, and he didn’t want to see anything else bad happen to him if he could help it.

“Way to burst my bubble,” Jim teased, though he was only half joking. “You’re wrong. You’ll see. I just don’t know what I’m going to say to her. What do you say to someone you haven’t seen in years? I want to be mad, but.. I don’t know. Maybe this is my chance to finally make things right. Maybe when she comes here she’ll realize that.. that I’m not my dad.”

Getting up from the bed, Leonard closed the distance between them and placed his hands firmly on Jim’s shoulders. It was supposed to be a comforting gesture, but it grabbed his attention too, and that was the most important part. If Winona didn’t live up to the expectations Jim was setting then it would hurt him a lot. Convincing him of anything obviously wasn’t going to be possible at that point, so he went with his secondary plan instead.

“Look, I know better than to try to talk you out of this. You’re nothing if not stubborn, and no one wants you to be right and me to be wrong more than I do. Just promise me one thing, alright? Try not to get your hopes up too much. Maybe I’m completely off base, but she has a reputation for letting you down.”

“Okay. I promise. But it’ll be fine, Bones,” Jim insisted, playfully knocking his hands away and brushing off the seriousness of the conversation. “You’re worrying for nothing.”

“Yeah, well.. that’s kinda what I do.”

 

* * *

 

The conversation with Leonard played on his mind as he got ready to greet Winona a few days later. Jim had promised not to get his hopes up, but he realized quickly that it was far too late for that. It was unlikely that she had nothing to do with her assignment though. Winona was especially skilled at avoiding him and making herself completely unavailable when she wanted to. If she didn’t have any personal motivations then she wouldn’t risk the potential family drama, right? That whole conversation was probably just Leonard being paranoid and trying to protect him.

Jim didn’t have much of an appetite that morning, but he forced down a quick breakfast before heading to the transporter to welcome her onto the ship. Winona and a couple of her associates were due to arrive fairly soon if they weren’t there already. Would she apologize to him? What if she wanted to stay in touch? Repairing their relationship wouldn’t be easy by any means, not after everything that happened. He blamed her for a lot of things, but he felt like he was willing to give it a shot if she was. That’s what he wanted.

As he rounded the corner to go into the transporter room, they were all walking out with Scotty behind them, and Jim nearly bumped directly into his mother. He caught himself in time and swallowed heavily as he met her gaze. For a moment, he could’ve sworn that she looked sad, but any emotion went away just as quickly as it had come. There was nothing there anymore, she just looked blank, and he didn’t know what to think about that.

It took him a moment to realize how awkward the silence had become. That was the part where he was supposed to say something intelligent, but he dropped the ball instead. Scotty sensed that something was off and quietly ushered the others away onto the ship, leaving them alone.

“Hey.”

“Hello Captain,” she said plainly, as if everything was totally normal. The absurdity of the whole thing snapped him out of it because what was going on was anything but normal.

“It’s been a long time, huh? I was pretty surprised when they told me you were coming here. I really think we should talk before we get to whatever it is you need. I know it must be weird, but there’s a lot I want to ask, and I-”

“If it’s all the same to you,” Winona started before he could finish. “I’d rather keep this visit professional.”

“But I-“

“This isn’t a personal visit, Captain Kirk. We’re only here to make sure everything is still running smoothly given your.. habit of breaking the rules. The higher ups wanted to check up on you, and we were the closest and most qualified. We won’t be here very long. In the meantime, you should just run your ship as usual so we can both do what we need to.”

It was no secret that Starfleet didn’t fully believe in him yet. He was so young that they felt he needed to do more to earn their respect and trust first, captain or not. They’d told him that to his face before, but to hear it come directly from his mother was like a punch in the gut. Jim worked to keep his emotions buried and in check though because he wouldn’t let her see the effect her words had on him. So much for repairing their relationship.

“Why did you agree to this then?”

“Because it’s my job just as this one is yours. You and I have nothing to discuss.”

“Okay then,” he said slowly, trying his best to keep it together despite the sting he was feeling. Jim threw on his most impressively faked smile and put out his hand to shake hers as if she was a stranger he was meeting for the first time. In a lot of ways, maybe she was. “Welcome to the Enterprise. I’ll show you around so you can get started.”

 

* * *

 

When Jim didn’t meet him for lunch like they planned, Leonard immediately knew something was wrong. There weren’t any emergencies or off ship missions that day, so there couldn’t be anything holding him up. It was possible that he was busy with Winona, but somehow he didn’t think that was the problem. The purpose of asking him to lunch was so he could do immediate damage control if the morning wasn’t everything Jim wanted it to be. Of course, he probably knew that, and he was most likely avoiding him. Then he wouldn’t have to talk about it.

Leonard gave Jim some time to show up in case he was simply late, but when his seat was still empty half an hour later, he stopped waiting. It took a while longer to figure out where exactly he was because he was way too good at hiding. Eventually, he found him hunched over a PADD in the briefing room by himself, and he was doing the kind of boring work Jim only ever wanted to do when he was trying to distract himself. There was barely a reaction as he entered the room, so he closed the door to give them more privacy.

“Are you okay?” Leonard asked as he sat across from him at the table.

Jim didn’t even look up from the PADD in front of him as he replied.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, Jim. You didn’t show up for lunch, and now I find you moping over some work all by yourself. You tell me.”

“Damn, I totally forgot,” he admitted. “The work was starting to pile up, so I thought it was time to get it up to date. It’s a total snooze fest though. I hate this stuff the most. Can you blame me for moping?”

“Not really. Pouting and looking pathetic for the most mundane reasons is a special skill of yours. I don’t know how I put up with you, frankly.”

“Me either, but you’re stuck with me now.”

It felt right to banter with him and keep the conversation light if only to put Jim more at ease, but they needed to talk about it sooner or later. They both knew there was more going on than reports and paperwork bringing him down. If Jim thought he would drop it without a real response, he was very wrong. Leonard allowed him to work in comfortable silence for a few more minutes before he attempted to push the subject again.

“So do you want to tell me what’s really going on with you? What happened with your mother this morning?”

“Nothing. She was great. Everything is great. I showed her around and then we had to get to work. They’re here to make sure everything is running according to plan. They’ll be gone in a couple of days.”

The change in Jim’s voice broadcasted how he was feeling loud and clear, and Leonard reached out to touch his hand. He gently tugged the PADD out of his reach to set it down on the table. With that out of the way, he took one of Jim’s hands in his. Leonard could feel him tensing under his touch, could see the way he avoided making eye contact with him. It was out of character for him, and his behavior said even more than words could. Letting out a heavy breath and sliding one hand up onto Jim’s wrist, Leonard was about to try cheering him up when he completely pulled away.

“Jim-“

“I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, alright? I won’t forget this time. But everything else is fine, Bones. I just have a lot of work to do. Stop worrying so much. All your hair is going to turn gray and then that’s just another thing for you to grump about.”

“I do not grump.. all the time, anyway.”

Leonard internally cursed himself for letting Jim bait him into changing the subject.

“Sure, whatever you say,” Jim replied. He grinned half-heartedly and patted Leonard on the shoulder before heading for the door. “I gotta go. I’ll see you later.”

And just like that, he was gone. Maybe it was foolish to expect some kind of heart to heart so soon after, but he just wanted to help. Leonard sighed in frustration before heading back to Medical Bay to finish his shift.

 

* * *

 

On his way back to work, Leonard came face to face with Winona Kirk, and he couldn’t decide if he was cursed or lucky. There was no way he wouldn’t say anything after seeing the state Jim was in. It just wasn’t in him to pretend that way, despite how absolutely unprofessional it would be to get involved. That seemed to be a consistent pattern for him when it came to Jim. Besides that, he was the CMO, so she needed to speak with him anyway to complete her evaluation. Bumping into each other saved both of them time. Unfortunately for her, work wasn’t the only thing he planned to discuss while they had the opportunity.

They exchanged a few words about the ship and the operation of Med Bay as they walked along together. Once they were behind closed doors, however, he sat down at the desk in his personal office and waited for Winona to take a seat before saying anything else.

“There’s one other thing I wanted to discuss with you. It’s about Jim.”

“I already told your captain that we have nothing to talk about.”

From the perspective of having a daughter of his own, it was difficult for Leonard to wrap his mind around the way Winona was speaking and behaving towards her son. He wouldn’t pretend he was always father of the year or anything like that, but he tried his best, all things considered. Even forever away from her in space, Leonard thought about Joanna at least once a day and attempted to keep in touch as much as possible. The idea of full on abandoning her was horrifying to him.

“You don’t want to talk to him at all?” he asked, sounding more surprised than he actually was in reality. That was exactly what Leonard had been afraid of when Jim first mentioned her coming aboard. “Then why would you come to his ship and dangle that in front of him like a carrot on a stick?”

“I’m just here to do my job. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more important things to attend to than your unprofessional outbursts. In the future, you should try to leave your personal life out of your work instead of sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.”

Winona got up from her chair to leave, so he stood up with her, but if she thought he was done talking then she was kidding herself. As long as she was within hearing range, Leonard wasn’t planning on letting it go that easily.

“You neglected Jim’s wellbeing his entire life, and you think you can just show up out of the blue expecting everyone to play along? You had a responsibility to him as his mother that you decided to duck out on. Fine, that’s your choice. A terrible choice, but it’s yours. If that’s how you really want it to be, you should’ve steered clear like you have for years. There are a ton of other qualified people that could be here in your place.”

“Don’t act like you know me or my choices, Doctor McCoy.”

“To be honest, it doesn’t seem like there’s much to know. You’re right though, I don’t. But I do know Jim. I know that before you came here, he was talking about making things right with you. Which I thought was absolutely ridiculous after you left him to fend for himself in that shithole in Iowa. He deserves better. Now I need to help him deal with the fact that his mother wants nothing to do with him when by all rights he should be the one that’s pissed. Why would you come in and ruin all this for him too? You didn’t think or you didn’t care. Which is it?”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Leonard waited quietly for her response, although beneath the surface his blood was boiling. It seemed Winona had nothing else to say despite the angry look on her face. Maybe what he’d said had struck a chord, or maybe she didn’t have a suitable argument prepared. Either way, he watched as the woman walked speechlessly out of his office and probably out of his life. That they would see her again after the evaluation sounded pretty unlikely.

Hopefully he’d get lucky, and no one would write up a report about their little spat. If he got in trouble for Jim’s sake though, it would be worth it every time.

 

* * *

 

Jim wasn’t going to delude himself any more than he already had. It was obvious that Winona wouldn’t change her mind, and he was resigned to the fact that he would have to accept that. Truthfully, he wasn’t even sure anymore why he thought things would be different from before. No one ever stuck around in his life for very long. Maybe that was on them, or maybe he just wasn’t the kind of person people wanted to stay with. Either way, once she was gone, she wasn’t coming back, and he didn’t think he would hear from her again.

A few days later when Winona and her coworkers left, Jim expected to be over it, but he wasn’t. He wanted to be angry, to be able to channel that emotion, but he came up short with that too. All he could really feel was sad. He covered it up on the bridge, threw on a smile and made sure that his friends wouldn’t worry about him. Then when his shift was over, he headed for Leonard’s room instead of his own, seeking comfort in the one place he knew he could always find it.

The polite thing might have been to knock, but Jim just let himself in. He crossed the room silently and sat down on the edge of the bed. Beside him, Leonard put down the PADD he was reading and shifted over to sit next to him. Jim could see the concern in his eyes when he looked, and he faced forward again to avoid meeting his gaze. It was hard to admit when he needed help with something. If he didn’t want to talk, he knew he wouldn’t make him until later on, but he’d been playing pretend for so long that it was time to let it out.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“What are you talking about?” Leonard asked, reaching out to him.

Silence stretched between them. Jim closed his eyes and leaned into the hand rubbing soothingly along his shoulders. There was so much ground to cover that he had no idea where to start with what he meant by that. The whole situation was overwhelming, so thinking about it in depth was exhausting. He really didn’t expect that such a short visit would be able to turn his emotions so upside down.

“I was an idiot, Bones. I just thought maybe she’d see me as my own person and look at me differently now. I guess I’m never going to be anything to her besides a bad memory. I don’t even know why I care. She’s practically a stranger anyway,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. “This is the part where you tell me you told me so, huh?”

“Not this time.”

“I thought things were changing for me when I heard she was coming here, but I really am always going to be George Kirk’s son to everyone else. I can’t even get Starfleet to trust me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe I was better off being a nobody in Iowa.”

“That’s not true, Jim. You’ve made a lot of progress, and you’re gonna make more. I know you, better than anyone. I know what you’re capable of. You just have to be patient.”

“I’m tired of being patient. My mom still can’t even look at me after all these years. She hates me. My brother.. who knows where he is because I haven’t heard from him since he left me with Frank. People never want to stick around. I’m not worth your time, Bones, I’m just waiting for you to figure that out too. There has to be something wrong with me.”

Jim felt like he was drowning the more he talked. With his eyes open, he could feel them start to water, and they burned as he tried to hold back the tears. For years, he’d wondered what was wrong with him, and the answer was generally ‘a lot of things’. But it had been a while since he’d last felt it as sharply as he did at that moment.

Then Leonard was there pulling him out of it like he always did. Jim didn’t resist as he gently grabbed onto his face with both hands. There was nowhere else to look besides directly into his eyes, and the negativity bouncing around inside his head took a break so he could focus on whatever Leonard was going to say.

“Listen to me,” Leonard began, stroking Jim’s cheek with his thumb. “You were given a shitty set of cards, yeah. That doesn’t mean you have to let that define you. And you’re not your dad. You already are your own person. You’re _so_ smart, Jim. Sometimes too much for your own good. I can’t keep up with what you’re talking about half the time. You lose me constantly.”

“Bones-“

“Nothing is wrong with you. You might be out of your damn mind on a regular basis, but you’re a brilliant man and a good captain. And don’t expect to hear that again because I wouldn’t want to inflate your ego more,” he teased, and Jim found himself smiling a little. “Sometimes ‘family’.. isn’t really your family because, unfortunately as you’ve learned, blood doesn’t always make someone family. You deserve much better than what you’ve had. The Enterprise is your home now. The crew likes and cares about you. They’re your family. I _love_ you, Jim. _I’m_ your family, alright? And for what it’s worth, I’m not goin’ anywhere. You’re stuck with me too, grumpy mood and frequent ranting included.”

Pulling away from his boyfriend’s grasp, Jim laughed through his tears and wiped at his eyes. The wound wouldn’t heal that easily, but the burden felt lighter after hearing him say all of that. It definitely helped that Leonard was there for him and invested in seeing him through it all. He had no idea what he would do without him if he ever decided to leave.

“Geez Bones. When did you become such a sap?”

“Oh, whatever. Brat.”

Jim let out a breath as Leonard ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it up slightly before letting go. He moved in for a hug, and he was welcomed into his arms with a kiss on the forehead. His heart swelled at that, reminding him exactly how much he loved the man in front of him, the one person he could always count on. Leonard McCoy meant the world to him, so he rested his forehead against his and held onto him just a little bit tighter.

“Thank you. I mean it.”

“Any time, darlin’.”


End file.
